Awful writing
I am terrible at writing romantic scenes. Absolutely terrible. You’d think that after being in a writers’ group with a romance novelist for a couple of years that I would have picked up some technique just by osmosis. You’d think reading Jane Austen would count for something.
For what it’s worth, chapter 41 is now done.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you’re terrible. You convey all of the necessary plot points in an intelligible way.
That said, you’re correct to note that those are not your strong suit. I’m not 100% sure what the problem is, but the dialogue in the romantic parts always seems a little awkward. For whatever reason, you can do “playful banter between friends” pretty well, but your depictions of “playful flirting” come across awkwardly.
My general impression is that you’re trying too hard to be cutesy with them. Overly cutesy works (sometimes) on the screen, but less well on the printed page. I would say don’t try too hard.
Also, my impression is that you have too much dialogue. I suspect that they would flow better if the ratio of dialogue to observation and action was slightly better. Not just talk, talk, talk, but more in the way of hesitant pauses, observations of people’s actions, and so forth.
A few other observations:
1. You go way too fast. You’re trying to get past the material here. I would say, don’t make the reader ddo too much work. Don’t try for the clever phrase that does a paragraph’s work; lay it out methodically.
2. You suddenly revert to very stilted, formal speech in these scenes. That makes them seem more awkward.
Okay, enough criticism — I really do like this, and I’m just offering some observations on how it could be improved.